Ashes (February 22, 2014)

I’m wired and ready to fire; I’ve got so much to say 
Crushed by desire; feelings that get in the way 
And the million times we’ve said goodbye 
Play over like broken records in my mind 

Now that the bridge has been cut loose 
Let’s just burn it 
I’ll even let you strike the first match 
You’ve earned it 
And I’ll shout something over the abyss 
Just to make sure you know it came to this 
And there’s no coming back around 
No rising from the ashes on the ground 

I didn’t have anything nice to say 
But I didn’t bite my tongue 
I let the bile and acid get in the way 
As I stood on the lowest rung 
Of my emotional maturity 
Releasing each of my demons 
From their obscurity 

I’m wired and ready to run; got too much on my plate 
Damned by schedules; every day I’m running late 
The older I am, the worse it gets 
Buried by all these bills and late payments 
So I don’t have time for your childish games 

Now that the bridge has been cut loose 
Let’s just burn it 
I’ll even let you strike the first match 
You’ve earned it 
And I’ll shout something over the abyss 
Just to make sure you know it came to this 
And there’s no coming back around 
No rising from the ashes on the ground 

-Kortney Marie

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Vagabond Ways (March 1, 2014)

One eye fixed on the present
One eye on the prize
No sense of direction
As you float across the skies
Unable to focus
On how or where you move
Unstable staccato to your pseudo groove
And your lyrics change language in the same tune
Heart in a panic as you bump against the moon

I’ve had too much
Too much
Too much, I say
Gotta get free of you
You and your vagabond ways
When you aren’t really here
And you haven’t gotten there
You’re so cruel and absent
But you need me to care

It was dark when I read your latest letter
By dawn, I still didn’t have words to make it better
My tongue swells as I choke back a bitter I-told-you-so
It’s something you already know
And in the hours that have come to pass
I can only draw the conclusion
That our sordid past left you with an illusion

We were hardly ever lovers
And we’re not quite friends
You liked to twist my heart
To see how far it would bend
Cruel in your intention
Steady in your abuse
So rude and crass with the words you would use
But when I left, you would plead, beg me to stay
Ego in a panic as you watched me walk away

I’ve had too much
Too much
Too much, I say
Gotta get free of you
You and your vagabond ways
When you aren’t really here
And you haven’t gotten there
You’re so cruel and absent
But you need me to care

Unable to focus
On how or where you move
Unstable staccato to your pseudo groove
Float in circles, float aimlessly to your song
Wander forever, loveless vagabond

 

-Kortney Marie

Anonymous: What’s Wrong With the World Today

(No, I am not talking about the group “Anonymous.” I figure it’s worth clarifying to keep a hit off my blog.)

The internet was intended to help us to reach out to each other, to be able to access information quickly and effectively, to connect the dots between all corners of the globe. Sounds peachy, right? Seems like humanity would leap at the opportunity to hear and love one another no matter where they are, right?

Wrong.

I won’t say that no one uses it for the aforementioned reasons; in fact, many of us do. However, there is a certain amount of anonymity that allows us to be, for lack of better phrasing, complete and utter shitheads to each other with little to no recourse. For whatever reason, people seem to think that if they cannot be identified, they can say what they want, and the worst that happens is they ruin someone’s day—or self esteem, hope, faith, love, perspective, etc, etc, etc. That’s what pains me. We have enough religious, political, anti-religious, sexist, and racist propaganda running rampant in the world today without people using their right to remain anonymous as a weapon. Centuries ago, anonymous writers, and those who assumed a covert pen name, did so to protect their opinion and identity. Women used men’s names to conceal their identities to avoid being judged for their sex and give their writing a fair shot in a market deemed inappropriate for them. People have submitted anonymous texts from essays to stories and poetry to put their views out for the general public without having to worry about who may find out they have this specific belief or thought.

These people were not “trolling” each other.

With everything going mad in society today, that’s the last thing we should be doing to each other. Knowing that your IP address is being logged no matter where you are, that you can be tracked down by any decent hacker or person with a Computer Science degree, shouldn’t you be using your power as an anonymous writer to do more than tear someone else down? Knowing that there are much bigger problems in the world, why on earth would you use that power for anything less than the greater good?

We don’t think about these things because we’re a one-track-minded society. “I’m going to get mine,” we say. “I’m going to get my propaganda out there, sell out to a bigger machine, and hide behind its stature because I have to look out for me, and I don’t care who I take down in the process.” This isn’t even human. It’s primal, it’s instinctive, yes…but whose purpose are you serving when you bash someone for having an opinion or a feeling that you may or may not care about? No one’s. You are serving no purpose and no person by acting in this manner. You are a detriment to society, a detriment to brotherhood, and you are hindering the spread of love and positive energy.

I’m not sure where this generation went to hell in a hand basket, but the fix has a fairly simple start: “If you don’t have anything nice to say; don’t say anything at all.” I’m fairly certain your mother told you that a few times when you were growing up; I know mine did. There’s a big lack of love and respect among people as a whole. It’s unfair, and it’s our fault. The only people who can fix it aren’t sitting in political office; they’re people like me, like you, your best friend, mother, neighbor, etc. We have got to take it back before the naysayers and “trolls” take it from us. They’ve already got a head start; how long will we wait? How much bullying will it take?


Kortney Marie

Ghosts Upstaged

I’m running out of things to say
Things to fill the gap between us
I’m running out of games to play
Devils willing to come out and meet us
A shortage of time
An overload of space
A shortage of patience
An overload of shame

When the second act begins
Some characters don’t cross over
When the second act begins
Some of us have to remain sober
When the lights rearrange
And the ghosts are upstaged
We’ve all got new names
And some of us just can’t stay

We’re running out of things to do
Things to keep us awake and resilient
We’re running out of love to choose
Angels willing to tell us we’re brilliant
A shortage of time
An overload of space
A shortage of patience
An overload of shame

When the second act begins
Some characters don’t live to tell
When the second act begins
Some of us have to curses to dispel
When the lights rearrange
And the ghosts are upstaged
We’ve all got new names
And some of us just can’t stay

A shortage of time
An overload of space
A shortage of patience
An overload of shame
When the lights rearrange
And the ghosts are upstaged
We’ve all got new names
And some of us just can’t stay

-Kortney Marie

Ch-Ch-Changes

I feel like I’ve neglected this sucker a LOT lately.  (Okay, I totally have.)

I’ve been in the midst of more change.  With school getting put off until next semester, a recent change in diet (which we’ll touch on later), and settling into a new job while still looking for one I truly want, it’s safe to say I’ve just been tapped out.  I’ve also been squeezing in that whole end of summer bit where you spend as much time with friends at possible since autumn, with her array of colors, always brings an especially busy bout of changes for everyone.  This is not to say that I haven’t been writing or creating.  On the contrary, I have written much to cope with various events, but none of it is anything I would post here.  It feels too personal.  Some would say that means it should be posted, but I disagree.  These more personal thoughts and projects aren’t for a blog right now; maybe a song, later, or a blog in the future…but not here and not right now.  There’s a lot of positive, happy stuff going on, and there’s a lot I want to share.

Knitting has become my favorite creative outlet lately.  I get to play with colors using a repetitive needle pattern that resembles painting but isn’t (which is good because I can neither paint nor draw to save my life).  I’ve made multiple dice bags, a couple of larger bags, and a baby blanket over the summer.  The baby blanket is a particular source of pride as it was designed to be old-school Princess Peach.  The best thing about knitting is that I don’t have to have words or a melody ready to create something, and as much as I love to write and sing, it’s nice to have a hobby that doesn’t require me to switch on the verbal creation immediately and fully.  I’m really excited to special order yarn for my next two baby blankets which will be R2D2 and Link from Legend of Zelda.  Two very special ladies in my life are expecting, and I cannot wait to meet the newest additions to their families.  ❤

Cooking has become more than a hobby; it is a necessity.
I was diagnosed with poly-cystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) in late 2006.  This means that my body produces excess levels of androgenic hormones, resulting in irregular periods derived from a lack of ovulation and, in my case but not all, multiple cysts on my ovaries.  (I have been very open about this, so for those of you who do know, I apologize for repeating myself.  I feel like it’s something I need to be more pro-active about because I know that this particular dilemma affects many women other than myself.)  Yes, that’s a lot of information to share so openly, but it’s something that I have struggled with for all of my adolescent and adult life.  Even after being diagnosed, it’s taken me many years to figure out how to handle it because there is no research that shows the exact cause of the disorder, though it’s fairly certain that it is genetic.  It is painful, and the side-effects range from acne and hirsutism to insulin resistance to blood-pressure and heart problems.  The symptoms vary from person to person, but it’s hard to live with regardless.  The most difficult for many is infertility.  It’s not impossible, but I’ve recently learned that I come from a long line of great-aunts and great-great-aunts and so on who were unable to bear children despite their efforts.  Luckily, I am one of those people who is absolutely fine with never having children of my own, determined to be “Cool Aunt Koko” forever to my blood and adopted nieces and nephews.  But for some, it’s heartbreaking.  And then there are the adolescent girls, like I was, who don’t know who to turn to or how to communicate that something is very wrong with their bodies, which further exacerbates the problems.  Regardless of age, I feel for these women…and I feel like it’s my responsibility to share my experiments, successes and failures more openly so that ladies of all ages have access to it.  We’re supposed to support and love one another, right?  And if there’s a possibility that my suffering and sharing will reach and help even one other person, maybe save them time and frustration, then it’s worth it.

I know, I know:  What does this have to do with cooking being a necessity and not a hobby?
I’ve read some research recently that cites PCOS as a possible symptom of gluten sensitivity or intolerance.  Everyone keeps going on and on about “going Paleo” and how the Paleolithic diet has done wonders for them.  One lady in particular explained to my boyfriend that her “almost Paleo” diet paired with exercise and the correct birth control pill made her PCOS more than tolerable; it actually leveled her out almost completely.  My weight has been a concern, and I know that diet is just as crucial as exercise to overcoming it and keeping it off.  I also know that women with PCOS face greater difficulties losing weight but find it very easy to gain.  So I did my homework, read up on the theory and supporting evidence that following a diet closer to what our ancestors ate in the Paleolithic era can encourage the body to burn fat stores and get us back in touch with our roots, etc etc etc.  At the end of the day, I am not willing to give up dairy, sugar, potatoes, salt, or legumes (among other things).  I believe that in proper moderation, none of those things are actually bad for you.  I read on, and I read…and I read some more before I happened on a few articles that site many of my troubles, from the acne to the mood swings to anovulation and even PCOS as a result of a gluten allergy.  I would like to state now that I am not a doctor, and I have not been to a doctor for a specific diagnosis of gluten sensitivity…but in the few weeks that I have been eating gluten-free, I have felt better than I have in a very, very long time.  (And when I eat something as simple as a cookie, I become violently ill.  The more time I put between ingesting gluten, the more noticeable it is when I do.)  From being more energized to fewer mood swings, everything from waking up to my sleep cycle has improved, and while it means a lot more time in my kitchen because it restricts what I can eat, it is worth every second and cent I put into it.

I have a few posts coming up that will be full of gluten-free recipes that are also simply delicious.  I refuse to believe I can’t have pie, cake, or cookies again.  Just like I refuse to believe I won’t indulge in fried chicken or breakfast cereal again.  It just takes a different approach and means making things from scratch.  So far, I have made raspberry-peach cheesecake with an almond crust, remixed broccoli rice casserole, fried chicken, apple crumble, homemade granola (a total accident), burgers so juicy and flavorful that you don’t miss the bun, and many, many other things.  What my boyfriend and I are finding as we embark on this journey together is that all this cooking ends up tasting better than eating out anyway, with the exception of things like sushi.  We save money, eat healthier, and have a lot more fun…and I would like to start passing that fun on to you, whether you need to scrap the gluten or not.

Moving forward, here is what you can expect here:
Gluten-free recipes that rock your face off.
Some personal anecdotes about my transition to eating completely gluten-free.
The usual poetry and prose.
A short story I have in the works.
And we’ll get back to music reviews…because I miss those a lot.
Pictures and progress updates on various knitting and jewelry projects.

Basically, this blog will be a catch-all for all of my interests rather than just for this or that, and I am very excited.


kortney.marie

A Work in Progress (2013)

There’s hope in these lungs
A song in a wheezed sigh
A dreamscape behind blind eyes
Beauty in the wretched ones
The tale is never what it seems
All fairies and backlit canopy skies

-Kortney Marie

Stifled (2013)

My voice was caught in my throat; words met a blockade roughly three quarters of the way through their journey to be heard. My lips shifted, curved, and moved, but no sound came out. The message felt so important at the time, and I couldn’t even convey it in what we might consider the most direct manner. I set out to write it down, maybe type it out, but my wrists were frozen, stubbornly refusing to cooperate. Tears formed, but got stuck in their ducts.

…There was no expression to be had today, it seemed, because nothing was granted an escape.

-Kortney Marie

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