Ashes (February 22, 2014)

I’m wired and ready to fire; I’ve got so much to say 
Crushed by desire; feelings that get in the way 
And the million times we’ve said goodbye 
Play over like broken records in my mind 

Now that the bridge has been cut loose 
Let’s just burn it 
I’ll even let you strike the first match 
You’ve earned it 
And I’ll shout something over the abyss 
Just to make sure you know it came to this 
And there’s no coming back around 
No rising from the ashes on the ground 

I didn’t have anything nice to say 
But I didn’t bite my tongue 
I let the bile and acid get in the way 
As I stood on the lowest rung 
Of my emotional maturity 
Releasing each of my demons 
From their obscurity 

I’m wired and ready to run; got too much on my plate 
Damned by schedules; every day I’m running late 
The older I am, the worse it gets 
Buried by all these bills and late payments 
So I don’t have time for your childish games 

Now that the bridge has been cut loose 
Let’s just burn it 
I’ll even let you strike the first match 
You’ve earned it 
And I’ll shout something over the abyss 
Just to make sure you know it came to this 
And there’s no coming back around 
No rising from the ashes on the ground 

-Kortney Marie

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Vagabond Ways (March 1, 2014)

One eye fixed on the present
One eye on the prize
No sense of direction
As you float across the skies
Unable to focus
On how or where you move
Unstable staccato to your pseudo groove
And your lyrics change language in the same tune
Heart in a panic as you bump against the moon

I’ve had too much
Too much
Too much, I say
Gotta get free of you
You and your vagabond ways
When you aren’t really here
And you haven’t gotten there
You’re so cruel and absent
But you need me to care

It was dark when I read your latest letter
By dawn, I still didn’t have words to make it better
My tongue swells as I choke back a bitter I-told-you-so
It’s something you already know
And in the hours that have come to pass
I can only draw the conclusion
That our sordid past left you with an illusion

We were hardly ever lovers
And we’re not quite friends
You liked to twist my heart
To see how far it would bend
Cruel in your intention
Steady in your abuse
So rude and crass with the words you would use
But when I left, you would plead, beg me to stay
Ego in a panic as you watched me walk away

I’ve had too much
Too much
Too much, I say
Gotta get free of you
You and your vagabond ways
When you aren’t really here
And you haven’t gotten there
You’re so cruel and absent
But you need me to care

Unable to focus
On how or where you move
Unstable staccato to your pseudo groove
Float in circles, float aimlessly to your song
Wander forever, loveless vagabond

 

-Kortney Marie

For the Beast in my Head

I haven’t got the energy, and I haven’t got the time
Horoscope a riddle of the stardust in my mind
But I cannot find a moment to release all of that spark
Or a day to labor over a brand new piece of art
Drowning in a register, at the bottom to chase my tail
Still clinging to the notion that art, she will prevail
The stars tell me to force it, but alas it will not show
The lack of progress slowly swallowing me whole

A short poetic rant to satisfy the rabid beast
That keeps my mind reeling and lays at my feet
Snarling and staring at me on impatient claws
Dissatisfied at even a brief moment’s pause

-Kortney Marie

Ghosts Upstaged

I’m running out of things to say
Things to fill the gap between us
I’m running out of games to play
Devils willing to come out and meet us
A shortage of time
An overload of space
A shortage of patience
An overload of shame

When the second act begins
Some characters don’t cross over
When the second act begins
Some of us have to remain sober
When the lights rearrange
And the ghosts are upstaged
We’ve all got new names
And some of us just can’t stay

We’re running out of things to do
Things to keep us awake and resilient
We’re running out of love to choose
Angels willing to tell us we’re brilliant
A shortage of time
An overload of space
A shortage of patience
An overload of shame

When the second act begins
Some characters don’t live to tell
When the second act begins
Some of us have to curses to dispel
When the lights rearrange
And the ghosts are upstaged
We’ve all got new names
And some of us just can’t stay

A shortage of time
An overload of space
A shortage of patience
An overload of shame
When the lights rearrange
And the ghosts are upstaged
We’ve all got new names
And some of us just can’t stay

-Kortney Marie

Deletion (2013)

All these memories…
With a click of a button, I can erase you,
everything we were, everything we hoped to be.
It feels…dark.
That’s really the only word I have for it.
Once so close,
now perfect strangers.
But it’s not the first time we’ve been here;
It’s just the first time I’ve actually wanted to forget you.

But I can’t do it the way you might—
without a blink to the digital ash that remains.
No, no,
I’m going to read over all of it
just one last time 
to recall the monster you accused me of being
every detail you decided wasn’t worth seeing.

And by the end, I’ll be done
with you
with “us” 
with the mess we made of trust
of lust 
of hope 
of love 
of family.

Deletion
Erasure
with no farewell attached.

-Kortney Marie

Broken Home (2013)

We don’t ask questions because we don’t expect answers here
The message is potent, and the meaning is unclear
We probe each other with guilt, so much guilt and blame
We crucify each other, sentence one another to utter shame
And we don’t talk, we just scream and claw at the walls
We are savages, animals in a bloody free-for-all

-Kortney Marie

On to bigger and better things…

The sky was solemn. Clouds bunched together, and the sun gave up trying to push its rays through them. A humid breeze blew between my fingers, and I bit back tears.  I didn’t know anything for certain other than my gut told me it was right. Scary? Yes. But only because certainty had never resonated in me like it did now. I had made a myriad of mistakes, learned the hard way. I had loved, lost, and changed. I started thinking I had no reason not to believe in my dreams, myself…and for the first time in my life, there was progress toward everything I could ever want.

The packing process was as frustrating as one might expect, and with each minor disaster that comes with gathering one’s belongings was an inner voice repeating that I was on the right track or reassurance from the man I’ll be sharing space with for the summer.  I under estimated the amount of clothing, accessories, art, journals, mementos, and necessities I had to pack up, and what should have been one trip turned into two.  The weather became unpredictable, unseasonably frigid and windy to clear and sunny.  The highway was a catastrophic farewell from the Metroplex.  I can say with certainty that there are a great many things that I will not miss about that area.

Moving often fills me with a sense of dread.  I adapt well, but I dislike change.  This time around is different.  I am not afraid of what may go wrong; I am simply optimistic about what lies ahead and who I will share it with.  There is no lingering fear that I may have made a mistake because this feels so different from past experiences…and I know that no matter what happens, I have freed myself of some very heavy burdens.  My fear of failure has been left behind, and it’s time to break new ground and pursue those dreams I’ve held onto for most of my life.

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